Isobel's death. Friday 25th June.

Although it may sound strange, it was pleasant to sit with Isobel through last Thursday night. She was completely relaxed and at peace. She was so weak that in the past few days any kind of disturbance set off a period of erratic or laboured breathing, but once her syringe driver had been adjusted, all the way through Thursday night she breathed steadily although shallowly. She was asleep all the time, although her eyes were often open. Even when she was washed and put in a clean nightdress early in the morning, the disturbance to her breathing was brief.

When I got home on Friday morning I spent an hour painting, then woke Euan. He had largely recovered from the problem with his hands. We planned to return to the Centre at mid-day or soon after. I had breakfast and did some tidying, then had a leisurely bath. While I was in the bath Iona phoned to say that Isobel's breathing had become erratic. Euan and I quickly left for the Centre. At one point Iona thought her mother had stopped breathing and called the nurse to check if she was alive, but as the nurse arrived Isobel took a breath.

Euan and I arrived at the Centre at 12 noon. Isobel was was still just as relaxed but her breathing was somewhat erratic - she would be breathing normally but would sometimes pause for the length of time normally taken for several breaths before breathing again. It was good judgement by Iona to phone us when she did and hurry up our return to the Centre. There was no indication that death was imminent and her condition remained stable for about half an hour. At half past twelve there was a change in the breathing pattern, breathing became more erratic and progressively more variable, some breaths shallow and others deep. At no time was there any struggling for breath. Within a few minutes it was clear that this was the final stage. Nothing dramatic occurred. Isobel's appearance did not change and was still peaceful. The space between breaths increased until it was almost a minute. Isobel drew a breath at 12.45 and did not breath again. After two minutes I felt certain she had died. As I stood up to fetch the nurse to check, a change in skin texture took place, I have not seen this before when someone dies. Iona pointed out that her arms had developed goosebumps. the nurse came and confirmed that here was no pulse or other signs of life. We sat with Isobel until Dr Mohan arrived rather more than half an hour later and examined Isobel and completed the necessary paperwork.

Isobel had a gentle death. For her it was a release, there was nothing left to keep her alive. The damage done to her brain by tumour growth in the final few weeks must have been terrible. Myself, Euan and Iona did not feel any desperate sense of loss at this time. We have had long enough to think through what was happening and to prepare ourselves. We felt it was just a release for Isobel. She has borne so much in the past few years.